Good Vibes Only: The Fine Line Between Toxic Positivity and True Gratitude
November is often viewed as “the month of gratitude.” With Thanksgiving almost here, many people who celebrate the holiday may take the time leading up to the day to reflect on one’s life and what they are grateful for. What happens, though, when you are struggling to find something you’re grateful for? Or you feel “obligated” to practice gratitude to avoid being seen as selfish or ungrateful for what you have? While gratitude can be important, it isn’t always as easy to implement, nor can or should you be forced to be grateful for the sake of it. First, though, what is gratitude?
Gratitude is defined as “a sense of happiness and thankfulness in response to a fortunate occurrence or gift.” You can experience gratitude for someone or something at one moment in time, as well as experience it more long-term, as a personality trait. Gratitude, specifically practicing gratitude and/or gratitude journaling, can also be beneficial for our social, emotional and psychological wellbeing and is generally recommended by therapists to improve our mental health and overall mood. The issue with practicing gratitude is 1.) when it feels ingenuine or forced (either by you or others) and 2.) becomes closer to toxic positivity than gratitude itself.
Toxic positivity, unlike gratitude, is defined as “the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter the situation.” For example, if something negative happens in your life, such as losing your job or not getting a job you worked hard for, some automatic responses might look like “everything happens for a reason” or “look on the bright side.” Other responses to difficult situations could be “just stay positive” or “other people have it a lot worse.” These responses generally come from a place of well-intention and love. The problem is that, instead of providing genuine support and empathy, those faced with toxic positivity can instead find their feelings dismissed and/or invalidated. Other dangers of toxic positivity include suppressing emotions and having unrealistic and exhausting expectations to stay constantly happy and upbeat.
Gratitude, on the other hand, recognizes all emotions – the positive, negative and everything in between. Practicing gratitude involves acknowledging and appreciating what we have in life, without denying any challenges we still may encounter. So, now that we have defined gratitude, how do we practice it without it feeling forced or feeling more like toxic positivity than anything else?
1. Allow space for all emotions. This means you can still feel a sense of gratitude while also feeling emotions such as sadness or anger or disappointment. Multiple emotions can coexist at a time and feeling, say, disappointment along with feeling grateful doesn’t invalidate either emotion.
2. Practice gratitude YOUR way. Let’s consider gratitude journaling for a moment. I have had people recommend it to me, and I have also recommended it to others. It can be helpful for many people who practice it, but for others it can seem more like a homework assignment on an already busy day. It is important to recognize there are other ways to practice gratitude if journaling doesn’t work for you.
a. Write a letter of appreciation. This can be for a parent, sibling, co-worker, friend, teacher, coach, etc. (even if you don’t end up sending it).
b. Keep gratitude jar. Put together a list of people, places and/or things you are grateful for and keep it on your desk or bedside table.
c. Look for the little joys. Acknowledge the simple pleasures of life. This can be anything from observing the shape of the moon to taking that first sip of coffee in the morning to smelling that old book smell in a used bookstore. It can be taking a bite of chocolate or how the sunlight hits your face or listening to your kids’ laugh at a joke they told themselves. Noticing mundane, everyday things, can remind us that even the smallest joys can make a huge difference.
3. Ask for help. There are many reasons someone may struggle with gratitude and feeling grateful, such as the amount or quality sleep you receive, financial issues, interpersonal conflicts, chronic stress, mental health disorders, and more. All these factors can affect how you start your day, how you view the world, and the amount of gratitude you may feel or express at any given time. While practicing gratitude can help with a lot of these factors, sometimes it can be hard to get started or continue the practice of it by yourself. This is when reaching out to someone, such as a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional, can be a good idea.
The truth is, we may not always feel grateful and that is OK. However, forcing gratitude or feeling shame (or being shamed for) not always feeling or expressing gratitude is not and can present itself more as toxic positivity or gratitude shaming. Cultivating genuine gratitude can also take time, but it can be done through allowing yourself to feel all emotions, starting small and choosing the practices that work best for you and asking for help if you need it.
Staff Blogger: Mollie Clupper
Mollie Clupper works for MHA as a Communications and Support Specialist. Using her own experiences, she wants to help bring awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental health. In her spare time, she enjoys hiking, drinking coffee, and spending time with loved ones.