Hyper-Independence and Its Connection to Trauma

Mental HealthAwareness
Written By MHA Accounts

Independence is a normal part of life. As children, we most likely wanted to (and were encouraged) to do certain activities by ourselves. This could include tasks such as learning to dress ourselves, tie our own shoes, and chores, such as assisting with cleaning up toys or helping to make dinner. It is said that encouraging independence helps foster a child’s resilience, self-confidence and problem-solving abilities. These traits can help carry the child as they enter elementary school, then onto high school and then college (if they choose and/or able to), before continuing onto the “real world” or the workforce. Independence helps them not only when they enter school or the workforce, but also when it comes to areas such as setting goals, moving, and building relationships with others.

At this point, all these indicate that independence is a positive trait and while this isn’t inherently wrong, it can also be taken to the extreme, which is then known as “hyper-independence.” When it comes to defining hyper-independence, it isn’t just being “too independent” or “self-reliant”, but instead defined as “an extreme form of independence in which asking for help feels wrong or almost impossible, even if help is available.” Individuals that are hyper-independent tend to think that they can only rely on themselves, which can lead to them pushing others away or taking on too much responsibility of their own.

While hyper-independence isn’t a diagnosable mental health disorder, is said that it can be linked and even caused by trauma, stressors, and other mental health conditions. In fact, hyper-independence is often associated with being a trauma response, particularly due to childhood trauma, such as neglect, abuse and/or having to take care of themselves early on and realizing they can’t rely on their caregivers. It can also be caused by being let down or betrayed by others, specifically repeated betrayals, which then leads to broken trust and believing they are better off doing everything by themselves.  

Hyper-independence can show up in many ways and varies individual to individual, but common signs can include:

·       Reluctance or refusal to ask for help

·       Difficulty delegating work to others

·       Perfectionism

·       Isolation/social withdrawal

·       Being guarded/having difficulties in relationships

·       Tendency for stress and/or burnout

Along with the signs of “general” hyper-independence, there are also the signs/symptoms of hyper-independence as a trauma response. Some of these symptoms can include feeling shame if they have to ask for help, isolation, feelings of unworthiness, substance abuse and thoughts of self-harm. This is because, as previously mentioned, one of the most common reasons an individual becomes hyper-independent is due to trauma they have had in their lives, either emotional or physical (or both). Sandstone Care explains this effect by showing that hyperindependence starts first as someone experiencing trauma, which can then lead to the need to depend on themselves for survival, which then can lead to the distrust of others which then ultimately can lead to hyper-independence. However, the key word is “can”, as not everyone who experiences trauma will become hyper-independent and vice versa.

While hyper-independence may not be a formal diagnosis, that doesn’t mean it isn’t treatable or that someone can’t heal from it. One of the first steps to healing from hyper-independence is to figuring out the root cause(s) behind it. Maybe it stems from trauma in your childhood or even recent traumatic events, such as an abusive relationship. Getting to the main cause or causes behind your hyper-independence will also most likely involve talking to a therapist. Not only will a therapist be able to help you pinpoint the exact reason(s) why and/or when it all started, they will help teach you coping skills and just be a safe space when going unearthing possibly very traumatic events and experiences.

Outside of therapy (or with your therapist), another way to overcome hyper-independence is to work on building connections with others. More specifically, building healthy and trusting relationships. This is most likely easier said than done, especially if you have been in unhealthy and/or abusive relationships before, but it is also said that “forming healthy connections is pivotal to overcoming extreme self-sufficiency.” One way to do this is to recognize your ability to trust, both yourself and others, in everyday situations. This could include things such as trusting yourself to get to work, trusting your workout class to start on time, and so on. Even the smallest examples of trust can help demonstrate that you can trust and therefore work to build your trust up more overtime.

Going along with this point of trusting others is asking others for help. Learning to ask for help is often a challenge for those who are hyper-independent, but getting more comfortable in asking for help can not only help with building trust, but it can also help in practicing vulnerability. Steps we can take when learning to ask for help may include start by asking someone you do already trust and start small, practice by helping others, and reflect on how, when you do ask for help, how it makes you feel. If you find yourself struggling with this or feel like you have anyone to practice when asking for help, this also be a good thing to work with a therapist on.

Last, but not least, is to have self-compassion. If you are hyper-independent there is a strong possibility you also deal with perfectionism in most aspects of your life, even when that part of your life is trying to overcome said hyper-independence. You may feel frustrated if it is taking a while to build relationships and trust with others or if therapy isn’t working right away but just remember that most things in life don’t happen overnight. Healing is not linear, and it may take some time, especially if is deep rooted in trauma. However, while healing may not be linear, it is possible to heal and overcome hyper-independence.

 

Staff Blogger: Mollie Clupper

Mollie Clupper works for MHA as a Communications and Support Specialist. Using her own experiences, she wants to help bring awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental health. In her spare time, she enjoys hiking, drinking coffee, and spending time with loved ones.

 
 


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