From Comparison to Compassion: Healing Your Mind From the Inside Out
Have you ever been mindlessly scrolling social media and happen upon a post from someone that you know who is sharing images of their seemingly luxurious European vacation? Or maybe it is someone that you went to high school with announcing their engagement or wedding photos? Maybe you’re even walking down the street on your way to work, and you see someone, a stranger, driving in a car that you’ve always wanted. In these moments we may feel a pang of jealousy and compare what we have or don’t have to others.
Comparing ourselves to others is not a new or novel idea, but instead a fairly common, human experience. In fact, comparison usually tends to begin in childhood, when we may witness another child with a toy or snack that we want, but can’t have. It can also appear if you have siblings and your parents happened to (either without thinking or on purpose) compare you to each other, whether it was your athletic ability, intellectual ability, and so on. You may have had teachers compare you to your siblings or even other classmates, as well. Once again, while some of this may have been done with malicious intent, most of these comparisons may have been brought up and discussed automatically and without thinking.
It is important to also acknowledge the effect that the rise of technology, specifically social media platforms, has (often) negatively impacted the ways we compare ourselves to others and our overall well-being. It can lead to feelings and emotions, such as guilt, envy and/or resentment. Frequently comparing ourselves to others, whether online or in-person, can also have an impact on our self-esteem and body image and lead to worsening depression. However, despite the pitfalls of constant comparison, there are some benefits, as well. For example, if you follow an individual on social media and they are training for a marathon, and you decide you want to do the same. You may use their content to help “push yourself” and keep yourself motivated and disciplined.
Social comparison can motivate people to work on their health, start a new hobby, travel more, etc., but there can be a fine line between admiration and jealousy, which can ultimately lead to harmful or dangerous behaviors and ways of thinking. Adolescents are cited to be particularly suspectable to the comparison trap, due to the ongoing formation of their identities, as well as peer pressure and increased access to social media. So, what should you do if you find yourself in a constant state of comparison and find that it is affecting your mental, emotional health and/or overall well-being?
The first step would be to identify the ‘what’, ‘when’ and ‘why’ behind these social comparisons. Identify if there are certain times of day when you may feel these comparisons the most, such as at night when you’re scrolling on your phone. Or maybe there are specific people in your life that, when you spend time together, you find yourself actively comparing yourself or that they even bring up the comparisons, themselves. Or maybe it is a more internal sense of feeling behind or unaccomplished and comparing yourself to someone who seems more “ahead” or “put together” than you view yourself. Once you identify the comparisons themselves, you can start working on how best to address them.
One way of addressing/stopping these comparisons is to limit your exposure to them, especially if these comparisons are stemming from what you are seeing on social media. While this may not be as easily done with real-life comparisons (such as if you’re comparing yourself to a co-worker or close friend), it can be done more easily when it comes to social media. For example, if you find yourself comparing yourself and life to a specific social media account, to the point that it is causing you mental and emotional stress, it may be the best option to unfollow the account (at least for a bit). Or maybe you find yourself needing to take a break from social media, in general. You can delete the apps, pause your accounts or set a limit for how many minutes you spend on them a day.
It can also be helpful that, within the process of trying to limit comparison, is to celebrate your own milestones, no matter how small. Sometimes we are so focused on reaching the “big” goals that we forget to celebrate what we have accomplished or are accomplishing every day. Recognizing small wins or “micro-milestones” is said to “build trust in ourselves, help build momentum towards bigger goals and cultivate self-compassion.” Examples of micro-milestones could include reading a chapter from a book you want to finish, putting aside $5-$10 each week or practicing an instrument for 10 minutes a day or even a few times a week. These might not seem big milestones at the time but can make a big difference in the long run and lead to bigger, “macro” goals.
One of the last suggestions on how to stop comparing yourself is to create a support circle. Whether this be with an already established friend group or people you have never met, share a common goal/interest, belonging to a social group can offer us empathy, active listening, advice, information and more. Just make sure this support circle is truly supporting you and not causing any further harmful comparisons. A support circle, or even just a support person, can also help with accountability. Whether this is to help remind you of and encourage you towards your goals or to (gently) steer you away from any comparison traps you may be stuck in. If you can’t find someone to help you with accountability or avoiding comparisons, it may be a good idea to talk to a mental health professional or someone similar.
Comparing ourselves to others, whether this be friends, siblings, or complete strangers, is a normal (and common) human experience. Comparisons don’t have to be detrimental or disruptive, but if you do find yourself being affected by comparisons to the point it is impacting on your mental and/or emotional health, it is important to; take a break from social media, seek (real-life) connection, focus on the small joys and micro-milestones, and find a therapist to talk to, if needed.
Staff Blogger: Mollie Clupper
Mollie Clupper works for MHA as a Communications and Support Specialist. Using her own experiences, she wants to help bring awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental health. In her spare time, she enjoys hiking, drinking coffee, and spending time with loved ones.